Aha Moments

Small Talk

by Cheryl on March 30, 2012

According to Wikipedia, small talk is an informal type of discourse that does not cover any functional topics of conversation or any transactions that need to be addressed. Small talk is conversation for its own sake, or “…comments on what is perfectly obvious.”

I’ve been sporadically absent from social media. It happens occasionally and I can’t seem to get motivated to use it daily. I wondered why and then it came to me – I can’t rehash the same information over and over day after day. I have to take a breather from small talk—not only computer-generated small talk, but real-life small talk as well.

I’m not opposed to small talk in all situations, but I can clearly do without it. Trying to engage me in small talk will probably result with the initiator perceiving a high level of disinterest on my part. I don’t like to spin my wheels with idle chitchat.

If I’m given the choice of awkward silence or engaging in small talk I’m going to opt for crickets. I find that most small talk is a sham. That awkward silence that we experience from time to time is a real signal that there is nothing that needs to be said. Take that time of silence and reflect on things going on in your own life and leave others to do the same.

I used to think I was shy, but that turned out to be inaccurate. I’m not afraid of interacting with people I just need a reason to interact with them. Social pleasantries about nonsense won’t even start the clock ticking. It’s important that not every conversation is contrived to fit a narrative of what is believed to be of interest to me. Trust me, you have no idea so if you’re going to talk just be real and honest.

I always say, I don’t like people and I don’t like going outside. That’s only partially true. I like people just not many of them. I can count my friends on one hand. As for going outside or out in public, you won’t find me there for an extended period of time. It doesn’t take me long to get whether something or someone has any substance and I don’t like getting trapped in public activities. It’s exhausting.

Alone time is very important to me because I’m comfortable with my own thoughts and I like to think for myself. My world is much more rewarding to me than what’s going on with the crowd. My idea of relaxing is being home out of reach of being prodded and quizzed. Too much of anything will cause me to shut down.

It’s my feeling that the general perception is all people should be extroverts and if they are not then they are weird or they will have a hard time fitting in. What I think is weird is that people believe I should fit into a box by their design. Well, I don’t fit in that box, I’m not weird, and I’m not apologizing for it.

I hate small talk.

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The Past meets the Present

by Cheryl on September 27, 2011

in Aha Moments

This is just a little something about my day.

I was reading a book this morning that analyzes people by the words they use. It gets into things a little deeper than that though. I was reading about the power of writing and that studies showed if you write down your traumatic experiences it eventually lessens their impact.

I was sitting in the lobby of the dentist’s office at the time and as soon as I read that part I remembered a particular incident during my childhood that until this day affects the way I view people. It flashed before me as if I were looking at a picture. It wasn’t anything earth shattering, but it was a significant event. Something came over me and I was filled with overwhelming emotion (happy emotion) because it was such an eye-opener. I heard myself say in a whisper, oh my God. Just then the hygienist called my name, she was ready for me to come on back. I was extremely excited about the revelation and disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to be in the moment for more than a few seconds. It happened how it happened and I can’t dwell on it. I gained some insight and it was great. The exciting thing is I realized what it meant.

I’m not going to do anything with this newfound realization. But at least I know how it came to be. This is how life happens sometimes. Some things come at you in bits and pieces. You have to pay attention, live in the moment and be ready so it doesn’t slip away. This morning, I was ready.

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Brain Drain

by Cheryl on August 22, 2011

in Aha Moments

I don’t feel like it. What does that really mean? For me it means several things. It means this is difficult. It means I’m tired of dealing with issues. But mostly it means I just don’t want to do this at all.

Some days are consumed with monotonous lists of things to handle and other days belong to everyone except me. Let me explain. I’m a planner and I don’t like surprises. I think about all the things I want to accomplish and I decide what I’m going to do and when I’m going to do it, because I don’t like being bombarded with questions and tasks. I’m almost never lucky enough to get through the day and just handle the things on my personal lists. If I’m fortunate, after I resolve someone else’s little complication, I get to throw one of mine in the mix as well. I say that with the biggest smile.

I came across an article in the New York Times, and although it didn’t discuss exactly what I was feeling, it is very similar in nature. Maybe my complaints shouldn’t be about the issues that I have to deal with, but rather the time of day that I am confronted with those issues. Apparently, there is something called decision fatigue. Here is part of a paragraph within the article by John Tierney.

No matter how rational and high-minded you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying a biological price. It’s different from ordinary physical fatigue — you’re not consciously aware of being tired — but you’re low on mental energy. The more choices you make throughout the day, the harder each one becomes for your brain, and eventually it looks for shortcuts, usually in either of two very different ways. One shortcut is to become reckless: to act impulsively instead of expending the energy to first think through the consequences. (Sure, tweet that photo! What could go wrong?) The other shortcut is the ultimate energy saver: do nothing. Instead of agonizing over decisions, avoid any choice. Ducking a decision often creates bigger problems in the long run, but for the moment, it eases the mental strain.

I take certain positions given the issues presented and according to my mood. I doubt that is very different from most other people. It’s not always a conscious decision. If I had the luxury of putting off all decisions until a certain time of day, I wonder how many of those decisions I would actually want to make different choices for. The answer could be probably all of them or maybe none of them. The more time I have to second-guess myself the worst my judgment gets. In hindsight, most of my decisions worked for the best. So, for now I’m going to stick to my current way of managing things while keeping the time of day front and center in my mind.

You can read the entire article here: New York Times

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It Happens

by Cheryl on August 15, 2011

in Aha Moments

In my lifetime, people I know and people very close to me have done a lot of nice things for me. You know who you are. Recently someone did something unexpectedly spectacular for me. The incredible part is I wouldn’t know the someone if they were standing right in front of me. There is no expectation of me to return a favor, but that says to me, just do my best. The good deed with no strings attached doesn’t come around often.

This is what I know. She wasn’t obligated to help me, as I had never personally asked for assistance. We had a brief conversation many months ago. And the remarkable thing is she remembered the details. A person that I can only say I know from social networking listened and at the right moment in time she provided information that was beneficial to several others and me. I’m grateful for many reasons. One of which is, if not for her I cannot imagine this particular thing happening under any other circumstance. But it did and I’m super grateful.

I’ve told her “thank you” countless times and she has been very gracious in saying some very thoughtful words in return. I just don’t feel like it’s enough, but possibly all that she wanted in return was that heart-felt acknowledgment of gratitude that makes you smile from the depths of your heart. Like I’m doing right now.

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Transparent

by Cheryl on July 17, 2011

in Aha Moments

Life lessons hit hard sometimes. I always know what I know, but sometimes I choose to ignore what I know for one reason or another. That choice turns out to be bad 99.99% of the time. My ability to see right through every person I know is a wonderful thing. It keeps me from having unrealistic expectations. Once in awhile I throw all of that out the window and have high hopes for how I want things to turn out. It’s that 00.01% that gets me.

You have heard the phrase, people don’t change. I believe that is a true phrase. Furthermore, if you approach a person in the hopes of changing them you are in for a rude awakening. I don’t believe I am perfect, but I like who I am. Saying that doesn’t mean I don’t have faults it just means I like me. You may not like everything about me, but guess what, you flip that coin and that’s probably how I feel about you. And if you want to change me or I you, it’s not going to happen. I don’t like to take life-changing advice from someone that has a very different view of what success means.

Absolving myself of all things that I’m unhappy about in my life is like sticking my head in the sand. Before I blame the world because I am dissatisfied or whatever the case may be I need to take a look in the mirror. The person staring back at me gets it. It can’t be everyone else, it’s me. Before trying to impose my likes and demands on another I need to ask how I can change myself. But it is so hard to do. I can only make changes in my own behavior in order to save myself. My strife is self-imposed.

There is no big lesson here just a simple one. Of all the people I know and can look straight through, figuratively speaking, I know myself better than I know any of them. And looking inward can solve any problem I’m having.

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Disappointment Registered as a Gift

by Cheryl on June 13, 2011

in Aha Moments

A few weeks ago we made a sports decision for our youngest child, whom I will refer to as C for this post. A decision that she was moderately consulted about, but nonetheless we made the final call. C has been playing soccer since first grade and she enjoys it a lot. We’ve always thought that she was good at the game, fast, and she just needed good coaching to improve her skills. Playing recreational soccer comes with some downsides depending on what you expect to get out of it. Our number one goal was for C to be happy playing soccer. Number two; we wanted her to be good at the sport.

C’s team faced a doubt of whether they would have enough girls to continue as a team next year. They are moving up to a different age bracket and the requirements are changing. Eleven girls will need to be on the field for a game and the size of the field is expanding. The team at the time only had eleven girls, which means they would have no substitutes and it would be impossible for them to run up and down the field for an entire game with no chance to rest. Coach 1 said that he would like to have at least four extra girls on the team. Otherwise, the team cannot continue. The team had tryouts. It appeared that enough girls showed up to tryout and everything will be fine. Wrong!

After tryouts the team parents received an e-mail from Coach 1 saying there is still doubt and as a back-up plan we should take our daughters to other teams’ tryouts. In the spirit of full disclosure, other girls will be trying-out for the A travel team just in case. We were against C trying out for the A team because I don’t like that coach. Also, if by chance our existing team recruits enough girls to stay together and if any girls are chosen for another team they should turn it down. It was confusing and not encouraging. At the time of that notice most teams in other towns had already completed their tryouts except one. So we register for the only tryouts still available and take C. After it’s over Coach 2 says that he will let everyone know his decision in about two weeks. We don’t think much about it because it was the last day of tryouts and it was a long shot. But we tried.

A week goes by and we are told by Coach 1 that our current team has enough girls and they will survive as a team. Yay! I guess. This is better than having no team and having no alternatives. We sign the release forms and pay the fees and the next day we get a call from Coach 2 (our back-up plan). He is offering C a spot on his team. This is unexpected. We decided we should talk to Coach 2 in depth and ask a few questions and see what we think after that. It turns out that we liked what we heard. I won’t go into every detail, but we decide to accept the offer for C after talking with her about it, of course. Now comes the hard part.

We have to tell Coach 1 that C will be leaving the team. We thought that it would probably go more smoothly than it did. The coach’s response was that our check was cashed, can’t be refunded, and C is registered with the team. Basically we’re stuck. He goes on to say that he doesn’t want to let the team down by only having three extra players instead of four. Later in a phone conversation Coach 1 reveals why he cannot practice certain techniques, blah, blah, blah, and that C doesn’t have the necessary foot skills she needs. Why wasn’t he working on that then? Anyway, not once does he say, I would like C to stay and is there anything I could do to get you all to reconsider. By not saying that, he said everything. Therein lies my disappointment.

The one time this season when Coach 1 put C in the proper position she scored a goal. She is talented and we believe she will be an asset to any team. Although, the current team won only two games this season, our decision to leave wasn’t based on that. It was about Coach 2 seeing something in C that he could help her develop. And as her parents, it is our duty to help her be awesome.

Gifts, learn to recognize them.

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